TALE WAGGERS
which includes writings, jokes, anecdotes, and poems about dogs and Guide Dogs and puppies, just for fun.
| Have
Paws Will Travel |
Guide
Dog Puppy Raising Club |
Arapahoe
County, Colorado |
TALE WAGGERS
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| Tale Waggers is
an occasional column in the Puppy Pipeline which includes writings, jokes, anecdotes, and poems about dogs and Guide Dogs and puppies, just for fun. |
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| Puppy Raiser
OLYMPICS By Marianne McKiernan, CCI Raiser Opening Ceremony: Puppy proudly waves with your bra or panties while running through the house. 100 Meter Dash (Home): Scoop up squatting puppy and make a mad dash for the nearest door. 200 Meter Dash (Work): Scoop up squatting puppy and dash for the lobby door; Points deducted if you forget to grab your key card and a poop bag. Hurdles: Scoop up squatting puppy, jump over baby gate and run for the back door; this event can be combined with the 100 Meter Dash. Long Jump: Step on knobby chewy toy and leap to the air, holding injured foot and hopping up and down. Points deducted for using naughty language around the puppy. Marathon: Stand at the end of the leash and say "Do Your Business.” Pull leaf/stick/twig/rock out of the puppy's mouth. Repeat endlessly. Extra points awarded for 2 a.m. start time. (Cont.) Weight Lifting: Pick up Puppy. Pick up Puppy. Pick up Puppy. Pick up Puppy. Pick up Puppy. Diving: Lunge toward puppy and fish contraband item from his mouth; extra points awarded if you don't get stabbed by tiny puppy teeth in the process. Style points awarded if you can continue conversation with neighbor or co-worker without pause. Synchronized Swimming: Give squirmy, gleeful puppy a bath and get drenched in the process. Gymnastics: Prepare dinner and clean up kitchen while dodging puppy, other dogs, and many puppy toys scattered over the kitchen floor. Rhythmic Gymnastics: Tumbling and leaping over both the puppy and puppy-related items trying to avoid falling on puppy or one's own bottom. Music required. Style points if you "stick" the landing. Wrestling, Flyweight: Sit on floor. Get a hold on a squirmy, exuberant puppy and wrestle him down onto his side, holding him there until he submits. Wrestling, Heavyweight: Sit on floor. Grab squirmy puppy and put on baby coat and Gentle Leader. Points deducted if the puppy grabs the coat before you get the belly strap buckled or gets the GL off his nose. Steeplechase: Jump over furniture and other objects while chasing your puppy to get the inappropriate object out of her mouth before she swallows it while admonishing "DROP!" Automatic disqualification if the puppy swallows or destroys the object before you reach her. Style points awarded if the puppy actually drops the object as commanded. Closing Ceremony: Puppy races between your legs and out the door while you're bringing in the groceries. he/she circles the back yard about 20 times (doing the butt-tuck run) and collapses into a sound sleep under the bushes. |
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A PUPPY RAISER WHEN:
You think Puppy Breath smells heavenly. You have more photos of dogs than people. You know fellow raisers by the name of their dog instead of their own names.. (“...Juno’s Mom and Dad....”) Most of your clothing has a dog related theme. One section of your closet is devoted to dog equipment. Your e-mail address has something to do with dogs. You don’t feel like you’re dressed without a few dog hairs on your clothes. Your next car will have to accommodate an extra large crate or you won’t buy it. You have clean-up kits in every pocket of your jeans. You own shares in the Nature’s Miracle company. You don’t mind talking about puppy relieving habits at restaurants. You get a new puppy every year. |
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| If you have a
“You Know You’re A Puppy Raiser When”...e-mail it to editor@hpwtdogmom.org and we’ll publish
them in upcoming editions of the Pipeline! |
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| WHEN I GOT
MY NEW DOG I asked for strength that I might rear him perfectly; I was given weakness that I might feed him more treats. I asked for good health that I might rest easy; I was given a “special needs” dog that I might know nurturing. I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud; I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble. I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful; I was given a clown that I might laugh. I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely; I was given a best friend that I would feel loved. I got nothing I asked for, but everything that I needed. —Author unknown |
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| HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH
YOUR PUPPY 1. Remove film from box and load camera. 2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth. Throw in trash. 3. Remove puppy from trash, and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 4. Choose a suitable background for photo. 5. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. 6. Place puppy in pre-focused spot. 7. Forget about spot. Crawl after puppy on knees. 8. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand. 9. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 10. Put cat outside and put peroxide on scratch on puppy’s nose. 11. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head. 12. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. 13. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say “NO! NO! OUTSIDE!!!!” 14. Put camera away. 15. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, and resolve to teach puppy to “sit” & “stay” the first thing in the morning! |
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A PUPPY’S
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me: Eleven unwrapped presents, Ten un-mailed Christmas cards, My wreath in nine pieces, Eight tiny reindeer fragments, Seven scraps of wrapping paper, Six yards of soggy ribbon, Five chewed-up stockings, Four broken window candles, Three punctured ornaments, Two leaking bubble lights, And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree. . . . On the twelfth day of Christmas, my puppy gave to me: a dozen puppy kisses, and I forgot about the other eleven days! |
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| A "True Story"
From the Internet Unexpectedly, a flight from San Francisco to L.A. stopped in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a 45-minute delay. Anyone who wanted to get off the aircraft could reboard in 30 minutes. Everyone got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. He had flown before because his Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. The pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his.” Picture this...all the people in the gate area came to a standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide Dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they were also trying to change airlines! |
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SAW A PONY
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| As a
Dog, I Promise... Not to play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. To remember that the garbage man is NOT stealing our stuff. Not to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. Not to roll my toys behind the fridge, and then bark like crazy! To shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE coming inside. Not to eat the cats' food, before or AFTER they eat it. To stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. Not to throw up in the car. Not to roll on dead squirrels, rabbits, etc. Not to lick my human's face after eating animal poop. Not to eat any more socks and then redopsit them inthe backyard after processing. Not to chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. Not to chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I'm hemoriging! Not to stea my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. To remember that the rug is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. To remember that my head does not belong inthe refrigerator. Or in the dishwasher. Not to bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. |
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| What to Do When You Meet a Sighted
Person --From the Internet People who use their eyes to receive information about the world are called sighted people or "people who are sighted." Legal "sight" means any visual acuity greater than 20/200 in the better eye without correction or an angle of vision wider than 20 degrees. Sighted people enjoy rich full lives, working, playing and raising families. They run businesses, hold public office and teach your children! HOW DO SIGHTED PEOPLE GET AROUND?! People who are sighted may walk or ride public transportation, but most choose to travel long distances by operating their own motor vehicles. They have gone through many hours of training to learn the "rules of the road" in order to further their independence. Once that road to freedom has been mastered, sighted people earn a legal classification and a "Driver's License" which allows them to operate a private vehicle safely and independently. HOW TO ASSIST A SIGHTED PERSON Sighted people are accustomed to viewing the world in visual terms. This means that in many situations, they will not be able to communicate orally and may resort to pointing or other gesturing. Subtle facial expressions may also be used to convey feelings in social situations. Calmly alert the sighted person to his surroundings by speaking slowly, in a normal tone of voice. Questions directed at the sighted person help focus attention back on the verbal rather than visual communication. At times, sighted people may need help finding things, especially when operating a motor vehicle. Your advance knowledge of routes and landmarks, particularly bumps in the road, turns and traffic lights, will assist the "driver" in finding the way quickly and easily. Your knowledge of building layouts can also assist the sighted person in navigating complex shopping malls and offices. Sighted people tend to be very proud and will not ask directly for assistance. Be gentle yet firm. HOW DO SIGHTED PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS?! The person who is sighted relies exclusively on visual information. His or her attention span fades quickly when reading long texts. Computer information is presented in a "Graphical User Interface" or GUI. Coordination of hands and eyes is often a problem for sighted people, so the computer mouse, a handy device that slides along the desk top, saves confusing keystrokes. With one button, the sighted person can move around his or her computer screen quickly and easily. People who are sighted are not accustomed to synthetic speech and may have great difficulty understanding even the clearest synthesizer. Be patient and prepared to explain many times how your computer equipment works. HOW DO SIGHTED PEOPLE READ?! Sighted people read through a system called "Print." this is a series of images drawn in a two dimensional plain. People who are sighted generally have a poorly developed sense of touch. Braille is completely foreign to the sighted person and he or she will take longer to learn the code and be severely limited by his or her existing visual senses. Sighted people cannot function well in low lighting conditions and are generally completely helpless in total darkness. their homes are usually very brightly lit at great expense, as are businesses that cater to the sighted consumer. HOW CAN I SUPPORT A SIGHTED PERSON?! People who are sighted do not want your charity. They want to live, work and play along with you. The best thing you can do to support sighted people in your community is to open yourself to their world. These people are vital contributing members to society. Take a sighted person to lunch today! |
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TWO GUYS GO
INTO A BAR...There’s a guy with a Doberman and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Dobie says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got our dogs with us.” The guy with the Dobie says, “Just follow my lead,” and puts on a pair of dark glasses. As he starts to walk into the restaurant, a guy at the door says, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.” “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?” “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re excellent.” The guy at the door says “Come on in.” The Chihuahua guy puts on a pair of dark glasses and goes to walk in. The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?! They told me it was a German Shepherd!” |
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| DOG HAIKU |
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| I love my master: Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel |
I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be |
Today I sniffed Many dog butts - I celebrate By kissing your face |
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| I sound the alarm! Paperboy--come to kill us all-- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! |
I sound the alarm! Mailman Fiend--come to kill us all-- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! |
How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as My hairs on the rug |
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| My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle |
I hate my choke chain - Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! |
Sleeping here, my chin On your foot - no greater bliss - well, Maybe catching cats |
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| Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much as I do |
The cat is not all Bad - she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls |
Dig under fence--Why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. |
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| I am your best friend, Now, Always, and especially When you are eating. |
You may call them fleas, But they are far more - I call Them a vocation. |
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23 Psalm for Guide Dog Users by Larry Liggins The dog is my shepherd, just what I want; She maketh me to rise early every morning; She leadeth me beside garbage cans and parking meters, and she restoreth my freedom; She guideth me in the paths of safety for my life's sake; Yea, though I walk through the thunder of the railroad station and among the mongrels of Flagler Street I will fear no evil, for she is with me; The creak of her harness and the jingle of her collar--they comfort me; She prepareth a way before me in the presence of all confusion; She covereth my hand with affectionate licks and nibbles, and my love for her runneth over; Surely, with affection and correction I shall follow her all the days of her life; And she will dwell in my heart forever. |
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| When I am old... I shall wear soft gray sweatshirts, a bandana over my silver hair and I shall spend my Social Security checks on sweet wine and my dogs. I will sit in my house, snuggled into my well-worn chair, listening to my dog's breathing. I will sneak out of the house in the middle of a warm summer night and take my dogs for a run ... if my old bones will allow. When people come to call, I will smile and nod as I introduce them to my dogs, talking of them and about them.... the ones so beloved of the past and the ones so beloved of today. I will continue to work hard cleaning up after them, feeding them and whispering their names in a soft, loving way. I will wear gleaming sweat on my throat like a jewel. I will no doubt be an embarrassment to all ... even to my family ... who have not yet found the peace in being free to have dogs as their best friends. These best friends, who always wait, at any hour, for my footfall, eagerly jumping to their feet out of a sound sleep to greet me as if I have been gone far too long. These, with warm eyes full of adoring love, hoping that I will stay and hug their big, strong necks, kiss their dear sweet heads and whisper to them of how I love them and how I enjoy the pleasure of their very special company. I look in the mirror ... I see that I am getting old. This is the kind of woman I am and have always been. Loving dogs is easy as they are such a part of my life and accept me for who I am. My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives. When I am old this will be important to me. You will understand when you are old ... if you have dogs who love you, too. (from the internet) |
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LETTER FROM A GRADUATE
Dear Have Paws Will Travel Members:My name is SarahRuth―I am the lucky lady who graduated with Arlin (a black lab raised by HPWT members Bob and Shirley Davis) in 2000. I love this dog so much, I want to thank Shirley and everyone else who helped raise him for their hard work and unfailing love and dedication. What an amazing and awesome dog he is! And it is all thanks to your love and dedication. Some of the highlights of our time together in the past four years include: traveling around the country on music tours; performing in Carnegie Hall together; Swimming in the oceans of Mexico; and meeting the champion horses at Churchill Downs in Kentucky, just to scratch the surface! Arlin shares my attentions with two kitties, both of whom he loves dearly, and plays with regularly. He loves his toys, his wrestling matches, and his long mountain hikes. He loves to grumble and growl to himself. He is so sweet and lovable, but he is a regular old, grumpy man. His comfort is foremost, and if you move him when he is snoozing in the sun, or if you disturb his mound of pillows or whatever else he purloins from the bedrooms, he throws a spectacular temper tantrum. He is a snuggler, and cannot stand being left out of your lap if you are relaxing. Our days are packed and busy, divided between two college campuses and two jobs. I attend ASU in the mornings, finishing up a degree in music, and Arlin is the favorite among all the professors and students. In the afternoons I work as an instructor at a local community college. Our evenings are spent in recording studios, or in jazz clubs, performing. Arlin is famed around Phoenix as the greatest jazz musician around. All he has to do is blink those big sweet eyes and the crowd goes crazy. He was born to perform, which is a blessing to me. Arlin's guide work is fantastic, and he is one of the most well-behaved, loving and intelligent dogs I know. In our spare time, we work with the local puppy raising clubs, doing demonstrations of guide work, giving talks about blindness, and encouraging the raisers on puppy-truck days. I love meeting the puppies, and talking with the raisers, sharing with them how grateful I am for their work and their love. Arlin has been my saving grace, my best friend, and my greatest guardian angel over the past years. I look forward to many more years of happy travels and memories with him. Everyone I meet comments on what a gorgeous, healthy, happy dog I have. He has the world wrapped around his big lion paw! I cannot thank you enough for the wonderful dog you gave to me. ―SarahRuth Outwater
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| JUST A DOG Author Unknown From time to time, people tell me "lighten up, it's just a dog," or "that's a lot of money just for a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day. If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. "Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day. I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a person." So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog," just smile, because they "just don't understand." |
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